Choosing an app for your dynamic.

An app can hold a dynamic’s structure, but it cannot decide what that structure is. Before comparing features, it is worth the two of you agreeing what you actually want written down somewhere. Four questions sort most couples quickly:

• Together or apart? A couple who share a home need very different things from a couple who see each other once a month. Distance is where proof photos, check-ins and a shared calendar start to earn their keep.
• How much structure? A handful of tasks is one thing. Standing rules, daily rituals, asking permission and regular check-ins are another, and an app built for the first will feel cramped by the second.
• Is chastity part of it? If it is, decide whether you want it alongside everything else or in a dedicated chastity app. Our guide to chastity apps covers that side.
• Points, or not? Some couples love a scoreboard: points, levels, a shop to spend them in. Others find it turns something personal into a game they did not ask for. Neither is wrong, but it narrows the list.

The right app is the one both of you will still open in a month.

Feature lists look alike after a while. These are the questions that separate the apps that suit a real relationship from the ones that only suit a demo.

• Can either of you stop it? Look for a way for either person to pause the whole thing, instantly, without having to ask. Some things should need both of you to say yes before they start. An app that only ever listens to one side is recording a dynamic, not supporting one.
• Where do the photographs go? Proof photos are the most sensitive thing most couples will ever put into an app. Ask how long they are kept, who can see them, and what the app shows on a lock screen or a notification.
• Who pays, and for what? Some apps charge each partner separately; others cover both of you on one subscription. Check what keeps working if you stop paying, too — nobody wants their history held hostage.
• App store, or browser? An app-store app feels familiar and can use a fingerprint or face lock. A web app works on any phone or computer, updates itself, and leaves nothing with its name on in an app-store account. Both are reasonable; know which you are choosing.
• What happens if it ends? Relationships change. Ask whether you can take your own records with you, and whether a former partner keeps seeing anything about you once it is over.

These are the apps couples mention most often, described from their own websites. Our comparison page has them side by side, with prices, feature by feature.

Obedience is a habit tracker for couples in a BDSM dynamic: the Dominant sets habits and tasks, and points, rewards and punishments keep score. It is quick to get going with, and it is in both app stores and on the web. Its makers also publish Embrace, a journal the two of you keep together. A good first app for a couple who mainly want habits and a scoreboard.

Kneel is the broadest of the app-store apps: tasks with photo proof, rituals with streaks, permission requests, daily check-ins, contracts and chastity tracking, with a strong emphasis on privacy and biometric locks. If you want most of a dynamic in an app from the App Store or Google Play, look here first.

SubTasks is a game-style task manager, with points, streaks, achievements, a points shop and a journal the Dominant can react to. A great deal of it works without paying anything, which makes it the natural choice for a couple who want to try the idea before spending money.

Chaster is a chastity app rather than a relationship app, with timed locks, games and a large community of online keyholders. If chastity is the whole of it, it is the best known.

Whatever you choose, set it up side by side rather than one person configuring everything and presenting it. An app like this lives or dies on the submissive’s side of the screen, not the Dominant’s: if one of you finds it cold or fiddly, it will quietly stop being used.

Then start small. One daily ritual, one task, one check-in. Run that for two weeks before adding anything, and talk at the end of the fortnight about whether the app is helping or just adding admin. Nearly every app worth considering lets you try it before committing, so there is no reason to decide on day one.

Start with one ritual and one check-in. Add the rest once those are habits.

My Dynamic is built for couples who want the whole relationship in one private place rather than one part of it: tasks with photo proof, written rules, asking permission, daily protocols, mood check-ins, a journal, a private chat, a shared calendar and chastity lock-ups. Some things need both of you to say yes before they start, either of you can pause the dynamic at any moment, and proof photos are deleted once they have been seen unless you both choose to keep them.

It is a web app rather than an app-store app, and one subscription covers you both. The easiest way to see whether it suits you is the tour of the features, or the honest comparison with the apps above.