Rules for a submissive.

A rule is something that stands without being asked. It is not a job with an end, which is a task, and it is not something that needs a yes first, which is a request for permission. Keeping those three apart is most of what makes a set of rules workable: a list that mixes “always greet me at the door” with “clean the car on Saturday” and “ask before you buy anything over fifty” is three different kinds of thing pretending to be one.

Good rules share a few qualities. They are clear, so both of you would agree on whether one was kept. They are possible on a bad day as well as a good one. And they have a reason the submissive can feel — structure, care, respect, or simply the pleasure of living by something agreed.

A rule nobody could keep on their worst day is a rule waiting to be broken.

• Out of bed by an agreed time on work days, and a message to say so.
• The bed is made before leaving the bedroom.
• Clothes for the next day are laid out the night before.
• The kitchen is left clean before going to bed.
• Screens off half an hour before sleep.

Speech rules are some of the most meaningful and some of the easiest to overdo. A form of address that feels right in private can be a problem at a family dinner, so say where each one applies.

• An agreed form of address when it is just the two of you.
• No swearing in front of them, or at all.
• “Thank you” for every correction, said properly.
• No interrupting; wait to be finished with before answering.
• Complaints are brought up at the agreed time, not muttered.

• Messages from them are answered within an agreed time while awake.
• No phone at the table.
• A goodnight message every night, whatever the day was like.
• Social media limited to an agreed amount each day.

Some of the best rules are about the submissive looking after themselves, because they have been told to. For somebody who puts everyone else first, being required to rest is a real rule, not a soft one.

• Three proper meals a day, sitting down.
• Water before coffee.
• Medication taken on time, every time.
• Tell them when you are unwell, instead of pushing through.
• One evening a week that is entirely yours.

Public rules should be invisible to everybody else. The point is a private thread running through an ordinary day, never involving people who did not agree to it.

• Wearing something agreed — a colour, a ring, a particular piece of jewellery.
• Walking on an agreed side, or a step behind, where it is natural to.
• Letting them order first, or ordering for both of you.
• A message when you arrive somewhere and when you leave.

A set of rules is fairer, and easier to keep, when it runs both ways. The Dominant’s rules are usually fewer and different in kind: to answer questions and requests promptly, to never use a rule to punish something that was not written down, to check in every day, and to stop immediately when asked. Writing those down too is a quiet statement that the structure is something the two of you share.

Start with five rules, not thirty. A long list on the first evening gets reread once and then forgotten. Group them — around the house, in public, about the phone — so they can be found again. And write each one as a single sentence you could read aloud.

Decide in advance what happens when one is broken, while nobody is upset: whether it is talked over, whether there is a consequence, and what it is. Most importantly, make owning up easy. A rule broken and admitted is worth far more to a dynamic than a perfect record kept by hiding things.

And change them in the open. A rule quietly reworded is how arguments about what was “always agreed” begin. Review the whole list every month or two, together, and drop the ones that no longer mean anything.

In My Dynamic, rules live in groups you name, each one a sentence. Rewording a rule tells the other person and carries the old wording with it, so nothing can be changed quietly. A broken rule can be reported — including by the submissive owning up, which is recorded as exactly that — and then acknowledged, dismissed, or talked over in the chat, with a consequence from a list you agreed in advance if you want one. There is a shared library of rules to start from, and things that need a yes first live under asks instead. Read more about rules.